“Why Buy the Cow when You can Get the milk for Free? Is Celibacy Over-rated?” RELATIONSHIPS with Sandy Daley
It is often said that without instant sexual chemistry between a man and a woman, there is no chance in hell that said relationship will ever succeed. Is that why so many of us quickly jump into situations or relationships without a second thought, only to have our hearts broken continuously? Why do we constantly give our milk away for free, with no one sticking around to buy the whole cow?
Are we also to blame for some of our commitment phobia black men?
This may seem unattainable in today’s fast paced world of over sexualisation, instant gratification and free love (hopefully with protection). The fact of the matter is that many of us unfortunately believe that we can act similar to men, forgetting as John Gray suggested and detailed in his book, that “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus“: and there is a definite difference in the way how we think, act and behave.
“But Sandy, yu mean fi tell me that I am different than a Vincent or a Donovan?” my girlfriend Pauline asked me once, almost in tears as she mulled over her love life. “I mean, I always hear people say that once you meet someone that you like and that you are attracted to, you must immediately go to bed with them to see if there is any real sort of sexual chemistry there that will last,” she added.
“And has it ever worked out for you?” I asked her bluntly. “Are you not still here single and alone after having been intimate with every man that you “thought was the one,” I countered. “The fact remains that you did not even “vet” any of them, and jumped into bed with every Tom, Dick and Harry, who had a Tom, Dick or Harry between their legs.”
“You gotta be more selective of your intimate partners my friend, and take the time to know them and what their true intentions are,” I said to her compassionately. I certainly did not wish to hurt her feelings, but Pauline, like many of us, need to hear the truth , as that is the only way that we will learn and make better choices for ourselves.
At the end of the day, we are all able to sleep with, be intimate with or even jump into relationships with as many people as we want, wish or desire to. The one thing that we need to examine however is, what exactly are we trying to accomplish?
Are we only interested in being considered as a sexual being to others, without a steady man or woman by our side? Someone to hold unto at night when it’s cold in the winter? Someone to complain to when our boss is giving us hell at work and we really need a shoulder to cry on? Someone to say, “Baby don’t worry about your cousin who only gets in your face because she is jealous of you,” as he tries to soothe your feelings about your Beyonce, Solange and JZ family drama, without the elevator fight of course.
A little bit of restraint, a dash of common sense and a whole lot of patience is necessary in finding the “right one“, which might not be achievable from one-night stands, or an “I will just sleep with him or her and keep it moving“, type of attitude.
Your Knight in shining armour, with pearly white teeth, good credit and a Godly character, may certainly not appreciate the amount of “keeping it moving” situations that you might have been in. Remember, you are not a man and what goes for the goose, does not always go for the gander.