Sandy Daley’s Advice? Relationships are hard work: If you only focus on the negatives!
Maryanne Williamson once wrote, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?‘ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Difficult as it may be to fully understand this quote and to truly grasp its meaning, we must strive to live up to these words, as living your life to appease others, is a life truly wasted. How do you find that perfect balance? At what point do you push the naysayers aside and only listen to your own words? Difficult as this may seem, it is attainable once you build on your confidence and do nothing but focus on your goals.
Although statistics show that the percentage of black people marrying is more than it has been since the late 1970’s, the overall average of black women who will remain unmarried is staggering. According to the stats, at least 45% of black women are unmarried and the numbers are even higher if you are a successful black woman. Many things can be attributed to this study, as not only do black women outnumber black men, but many black men are incarcerated, already married, gay, or have married outside of their own race. Many guys however, would state that black women are too “bitter“, are always fussing, and set their standards too high.
When polled, black men also state that they are then turned off from dating black women or even marrying them. “Black women are too strong-willed, too stubborn, negative and too argumentative,” a friend of mine said recently. “If only you guys could be a little bit more feminine, and not as fussy, we would marry you.”
As I listened to this crock of baloney that Donovan (of course not his real name), was spewing, I calmed myself and thought about what to say. I chose my words very carefully, wanting to “school him” on a few things, but not wanting to lose him as a friend.
“If it were not for the “strength” of the black woman, which you so despise, your children, that perhaps not you, but a lot of your “brothas” have neglected, would be on the streets or in foster care,” I started off by saying. “The fact that we have had to take care for your children, financially and emotionally, should be seen as something to be honored, respected and praised by you. Our strength also allows us NOT to take the easy road, as many of you have done,” I finished off by saying.
With that being said, black women should strive to remain open hearted, as there are still many great single fellas around, and not all of them have the same opinion as Donovan.
We have given up on ourselves, and “play small” in order to fit in with others, and end up living an unfulfilled life. We tear others down in order for us not to feel “less than” and in so doing, allow the Donovan’s’ of this world to call us bitter, fussy or even unattractive- because of our attitudes. Our intimate relationships consequently suffer in the end, as our negative thoughts then leads to destructive, toxic behaviours. Maryanne Williamson’s words should be forever imprinted into our hearts and minds as our ultimate goal should be individual growth, coupled with long lasting intimate relationships.