James A. Baldwin wrote, “Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is war; love is a growing up.”  Although I might agree with some of these sayings, I tend to have my own opinion on the matter of love. My belief is to “love thyself like no other, and the other great love, besides the love of self, will find you and come to you willingly.” However many times we allow the mistakes and missteps of our past to ruin the potential future that we may have with a new love. How do you remain in control of your emotions, yet maintain as open hearted as a young schoolgirl who has fallen in love for the very first time? Is that just wishful thinking?

Over the years, I have loved many times, and lost many times-each time truly believing that this is the one, perhaps my knight in shining armor.  Would he be the one to know that he has to fix my car when it breaks down by the side of the road without me asking? Would he just instinctively know that I should not have to come out of my pocket when we are on a date, at least the first 5 times? Would he just know that I should never cry and he be okay with it, that he should do whatever he can to not see me hurt? The major question though is, how did I develop such a desire for my Mr. Right, without compromising on my desires, or settling? Throughout all my tribulations and errors, have I now become somewhat of a player or playette, as someone referred to me recently?

“Sandy, yu know seh mi mention yu name to a buddy of mine and mi tell him how much mi like you and want to ask you out,” an associate of mine said to me recently. “But him tell mi seh that you is a player and not to get involved with you.” At first, of course I was shocked and a little bit hurt at being described as a player. Unbeknownst to many, if there was ever a need for a female guinea pig to test a re-virgination device, I would be the perfect candidate in my opinion, as my lovers are few and far in between. “Legs locked, heart open!”  is my mantra, my war cry, as I still await my Mr. Wonderful.  After the initial shock of that statement, I examined what was actually being said; and why. I searched deep within to comprehend my friend’s logic, as I am forever questioning my actions and how I am viewed by others. Was I somehow unknowingly giving off the notion, that I was a Player, one that would never settle down? Is it because it was obvious that I am not desperate for a man, and was content with the life that I am living?

“I love having the freedom to chose who I want to be with,” I told this associate of mine. “Yes, I do have a few men that I talk to and so what? If that makes me a player, then so be it,” I continued with a wicked grin. “So, does that mean that you don’t want me to play with you anymore?” He grinned, shook his head and walked away; knowing that he has lost this battle of the sexes with me. Being single, over forty and not bitter or remorseful that I am not married is my choice; and that to me is the best gift that I can ever give to myself, as I continue focus on my goals and ambitions. The ability to always be “mindful” of my mistakes of the past, yet still open to the thought of ever lasting love is a refreshing gift, as we all know that your past does not, and should not dictate the outcome of one’s future.