Chief M’Butu Mangosteen, the spiritual leader and titular head of the African Society for the Preservation of Kola Nut, recently visited Barbados on an emergency mission to counteract the growing popularity of the locally owned and produced Kick Energy Drink.
His cause for concern was the use of genuine African Kola Nut in the product, the only energy drink in the sector to do so. Chief Mangosteen explained;
“In West Africa, we use Kola Nut not only for its energy giving powers but also to enhance male vigour and vitality. With Kick Energy Drink now in its attractive new can, the Society is afraid that our secret will get out and Caribbean people will begin consuming Kick in ever greater quantities causing a world wide shortage of Kola Nuts. You see, I am an important man in my country, and important men are judged by the number of women they keep happy. Without Kola Nut, I fear it will be difficult for me to keep my many, many women satisfied. Hence, I implore my Caribbean friends to take pity on your African brothers and slow down your consumption of Kick. I know this will be difficult, as Kick tastes great and its new packaging is very attractive, but think of your brothers.”
Jevan Jutagir, Head of Kick’s Marketing Agency Red Advertising, rebutted Chief Mangosteen’s appeal;
“Mangosteen is a charlatan and compulsive liar. I do not think he is even a real chief. We have crossed swords with him many times over the years with his self promotion and bogus appeal. Rest assured that there are ample stocks of Kola Nut for both African and Caribbean consumers. Mangosteen is just plain greedy! I hear that he has over 100 women in his thrall and that is what is causing him his distress, not Kick Energy Drink’s growing sales. Why should Caribbean men be denied the male vigour enhancement that the Kola Nut in Kick can deliver? Mangosteen should leave Kick alone and concentrate on his other great endeavour, the 419 scam. We Caribbean people are free to drink what we like! Red Bull might give you wings but Kick gives you iron!”