“Screw me like Tiger, but pay me my 750 million dollars first!” by Sandy Daley – NEW RELATIONSHIPS ESSAY
So the news broke recently that Tiger Woods has asked his former wife, Elin Nordegren whom he divorced in 2010 due to his many indiscretions, to reconcile. How could we ever forget that delicious scandal, perhaps the biggest of 2010, where numerous women, from strippers to single moms, surfaced for all to see, as each described their rendezvous in detail with Tiger Woods. It captivated us, as countless blondes and brunettes, on a daily basis, displayed sex text messages, love letters, produced airline tickets and hotel receipts, while they cried openly on news outlets such as The Today Show-detailing his apparent love for every single one of them. Awww, good times!
I, like every other rational human being on the planet, was glued to the television, eager to hear every juicy, perverted detail into the sex life of Tiger Woods. As a result, Tiger lost many of his endorsement deals, amounting to over 20 million dollars, but most importantly, Elin Nordegren divorced him in the end, and also walked away with 750 million dollars of his money and also received primary custody of their two children. Has love conquered all after all? Or is it just a case of “the grass is not always greener on the other side,” on both of their parts.
“Sandy, you guys just don’t understand the way how a man thinks,” a friend of mine said at the time. “Tiger was wrong for getting caught, as most men if they could get away with it, would be with more than one woman if they had a choice. It is just a man thing,” he said as we discussed the scandal. “You are not a man Sandy, so you just don’t understand the sexual desires of men,” he tried to explain. Bewildered, yet curious to get to the bottom of this “man/woman business”, I listened intently, while trying to interject a few points of my own.
“Donovan, (obviously not his real name), women and men are not that much different when it comes to intimacy,” I said to him. “Men however, I believe, are ruled by their little heads and often times forget to look at the bigger picture as to how an affair might affect their current relationship or marriage.” Or maybe it is the fear of being caught, as when polled recently, 68 percent of women admitted that they would have an affair if they knew that they would never get caught, and 14 percent of married women have actually strayed during marriage. The stats obviously demonstrate that women are not immune to cheating, and we are perhaps a bit more skillful in keeping our secrets and affairs in the closet.
Following on the heels of Tiger’s scandal and other celebrities and sports superstars such as Kobe Bryant, David Letterman, Elliot Spitzer, and Michael Jordan just to name a few, a very special group of women was created. Elin Noredegren officially joined the group, “Wives who became stinking rich because of their husband’s inability to keep it in his pants.”
“Where is my $750 million?” is my question. Should I then call up all my ex-boyfriends and let them know that they are actually in debt to me, and that I would like it in cash immediately? How was it that I only walked away with tears and dirty boxers after each failed relationship? Seven hundred and fifty million dollars would certainly be of help me financially right now, as I struggle to stay ahead of my bills in this tough economy.
So to all prospective boyfriends I say, “It is okay for you to cheat on me, as I, as my friend Donovan insists, ‘don’t understand man business.’” I will use your money wisely to ease the pain! New Manolo Blahnik shoes, Gucci handbags and a nice, shiny red Mercedes Convertible will certainly make me smile again. So please, you can screw me like Tiger anytime baby! Cash or PayPal is definitely preferred, as a cheque has the possibility of bouncing!