RELATIONSHIPS with Sandy Daley: “Black men in 2013: A Very, Very Hot Commodity!”
An author unknown, when referring to love and heartbreak wrote, “We don’t get to choose, you just fall!” How true, direct and poignant that statement is, as when it comes to love, many times the choice has already been made for us, whether we are ready or even willing to fall in love. However, over the last few years, the state of “black love” and the “single black, bitter female,” has come to the forefront with such movies as, “Waiting to Exhale” and “For colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf.” Never before has there been such a microscopic eye focused on our relationships, as young women, previously repressed and afraid to discuss what ails them, are finally beginning to open up and tackle the elephant in the room.
Why are so many black women unmarried and without a steady partner by their side? Specifically, why do so many strong independent black women, remain unmarried and find it difficult to find love and have seemingly taken themselves out of the equation by not allowing our black men to get close to us?
“Sandy, it is not that I don’t love black women, because I do,” a friend of mine admitted to me recently as I, Ms. Nosey, as I like to refer to myself, questioned him on his love life and his most recent partners. Donovan, (obviously not his real name) also said, “It’s just that it is so difficult to deal with you guys sometimes, and to be honest with you, the white ladies really go out of their way to make us feel special, and they work very hard to make us black men feel like Kings,” he went on to add. “The last white lady that I was with once took me out to dinner and spent almost $300 on me that night and did not ask me for a dime towards the bill.” I chose my words carefully as I really liked him as a human being and wanted to get to the heart of the matter. “Obviously you are not in a relationship with her right now, so it just goes to show that even though she seemingly was trying to “buy” your love, she was not the one for you, and you had no choice in that matter,” I said to him. Donovan paused for a minute and then smiled as he said, “You know that yu right Sandy Daley. I was not in love with her, so no matter what she did, it wasn’t going to work, and it is obviously not about the money, as love really is a two way street.” Very, very smart decent man, I thought to myself as I listened to him.
As I listened to Donovan, I realized that he had made a few good points. Donovan was just one of many black men in this situation, and although he might be one of the only exceptions not willing to do what was “easy”, black women can perhaps help themselves in the fight to keep our black men. The first step would be to “stop holding up the walls” or “hanging unto your girlfriends” arms or saying, “No thank you” immediately, when asked to dance at public functions or parties. No wonder our black men have turned away from us, as they are human beings as well, and no one likes rejection- over and over again. I make a deliberate choice when I go out to mingle with the opposite sex, if they seem somewhat interested in me: and I in them as well of course. “It’s only a dance,” I say to my girlfriends, as I wiggle my way unto the dance floor with my partner-leaving them behind to either dance with themselves or “hold up the walls of the club. “It’s not as if the guy has asked me to marry him, and plus which, I am not a man-hater and have never been, and will never be interested in women in that way, and although I love you guys, I am not interested in y’all.” The look of amazement on their faces as they watch me and my partner dance to one of my favorite tunes, “Gal A Bubble”, by Konshens is always humorous to me, as I know that at the end of the night, they will be complaining (again), that all the black men were there dancing with a lot of other races of women and “where were all the good black men?” “Right under your noses,” I would say to them if I could, “as when he came to ask you for a dance, you rejected him as usual.” You then gave him no choice but to look for love and acceptance somewhere else- even though you were his first choice.
To all the strong black women, I encourage you to hold onto the strength that you were born with, and also attained because of your struggles. With that being said, remain open-hearted, and able to love, as one bad apple does not spoil the whole bunch. And who knows, next year’s Valentine’s Day you might be skiing in the French Alps with your new love, (tall, dark and handsome of course) ,whom you actually gave a chance to see you as a possible choice- before he looked at another woman from another race. Many things in life I have learnt are in our control- the only problem is that we refuse to see and acknowledge the enormous power that we have.